R U Serious?

An Octomom costume provides a falsie sense of security

By Chris Erskine

Our Halloween was so good we would almost like to do it again a week later. The night was crisp and smelled of apples. We hit a couple of wonderful parties, raucous affairs, as befits the day.
The Snickers bars seem to get smaller every Halloween, but not the festivities. Life is candy. Good friends too.
While out trick-or-treating, I crashed one party just to catch up on a football score. They had the game up on their big screen, which you could see from the street. One of the hidden little payoffs of trick-or-treating with the kids is getting to look inside other people's homes.
So, in costume of course, I wander into these strangers' house, where about 10 of them are watching USC snooze to Oregon.
"So what's the score?" I ask.
"Octomom!" someone shouts.
"Where?" I ask, looking around.
Actually, I was the Octomom. It was the wife’s idea. She called me at work the previous day and announced she was buying a bunch of babies to pin to a dress.
Now, an Octomom costume is a good idea, assuming you are a woman to begin with. she insisted it was an even better idea were I to be the one to dress as Octomom, because men in drag seem to carry with them a certain reverse gravitas.
"Really, you should do it," I told her after thinking it over.
"No, you should do it," she insisted, and I detected in her voice a sense of revenge for all my failings of the past 30 years -- the times I forgot the dishes, or left globs of toothpaste in the sink. I am, relatively, not an awful husband at all, but that's only when measured against the other guys. As you know, that's setting the bar at a very modest height.
So I slipped on the dress she bought at Goodwill. Then I added a wig the color of old nickels. Hot.
Then I added the chest pieces -- a couple of balloons, modestly pumped. I've lived in L.A. long enough to know that if a woman wants to stand out in a crowd, she should wear small tasteful breasts, for everyone else has the other kind.
Dignity is a strange thing -- it comes and it goes. But the moment you put on a wig and falsies, you've pretty much given up every shred of anything approaching human dignity. At such a moment, nobility is a distant thought, like whitewall tires or $2 gas.
In fact, in drag a man becomes a different creature -- a mysterious confection. For the first time ever, I was the hottest woman in the room.
"Octomom!" people shouted, and suddenly I felt the tug of celebrity and unconditional love, all the things I dread in life.
"Oh, look, it's Octo . . . something!" I heard over and over.
I was astounded how quickly folks got the concept, for the only thing that separated me from every other Halloween floozy were the eight toy babies that Posh had pinned to my dress.
"Jon & Kate Plus 8?!!" guessed one person.
"Close enough," I said.

House to house we went, past other people's pumpkins, which seem to get more artful every year. My jack-o'-lanterns always look like self-portraits -- a little bloated, as if they had a six-pack with dinner. You could carve them with a corkscrew.
And as the night proceeded, the Octomom comments became more reckless. At one point, my balloons flipped around, nozzle side out, and it looked like I was chilled, in the womanly manner of '70s-era sitcom actresses.
"I just caught myself," one dad confessed, "looking down your blouse."
He wasn't really that ashamed either. The guy wrote it off as a male reflex. Me, I probably should've been more offended.
"Get him a drink, he's boring me!" one mom yelled.
"Yeah, get me a drink," I stammered.
Women are weird. First of all, you wouldn't believe how competitive some of them became. Sure, I was working it a little, but I've seen enough old Milton Berle skits to know that, while wearing the enemy's uniform, it's best to be unaffected and very deadpan.
Danielle, for one, saw me as an instant rival, though I have no interest in her husband, John, or any man in her life except maybe myself.
Second of all, the women became obsessed with my chest pieces, way more than the men. At one of the parties, they kept arranging the falsies in different ways. They pushed them together so I had cleavage. Let me just say this about cleavage: Even on a man, it looks good.
In the end, it was a worthy gag, and everyone had fun with it, particularly my wife, the only person I really need to please, after all. She giggled like a schoolgirl at almost everything. For a moment, I thought my outfit might add a whole new dimension to our torrid little relationship.
But Halloween is tiring -- heavy food, lots of walking. We both fell asleep about 10.

Great costume, don’t you think??  HAHAHA!!!  Why didn’t I think of that?

I always love to read this guy!!

WTG Orange County Fire Authority!!  Idiots!

After all of the destructive and deadly wildfires we have had here, our genius fire authority made a really bonehead decision.

The part-time hand crew credited with keeping last year's Freeway Complex fire from racing through Anaheim Hills and Orange Park Acres was disbanded at the end of last year's fire season, and a plan to upgrade it with a round-the-clock crew was shelved because of hard economic times, fire officials said.

Hand crews – highly specialized teams that cut lines around flames to rein in wildfires – are instrumental in controlling the flames, the Orange County Fire Authority firefighters union and management agree.

Despite repeated calls to maintain a critical part of its wildland firefighting force, OCFA soldiers will have to continue on without a hand crew for the first time in 30 years.

The department is relying on other agencies to lend hands, transforming its own engine companies into hand crews and crossing its fingers that it won't be faced with firestorms like the ones it has been dealt twice in the past 23 months.

If another major fire occurs, there is no guarantee outside help will be there. For now, the largest fire department in the county is taking the fire season one day at a time.

It was the 2007 Santiago fire that taught OCFA a harsh lesson: No one was coming to save them. Tens of thousands of acres were burning around California when the fire erupted. With 21 major fires burning at once, the October 2007 fire siege destroyed more than 517,000 acres, killed 10 people and destroyed more than 2,200 homes and buildings.

Firefighting resources across the state were stretched. OCFA's hand crew was the only hand crew fighting the Santiago fire for days, trying to corral the monster blaze.

"Hand crews are a scarce resource when the fires get burning. We can never count on anybody else's," said OCFA Battalion Chief Ken Cruz, who oversees hand crew operations. "With your own, it's faster to help control the fire, and you know they're going to be there."

The OCFA vowed to be self-sufficient for at least 72 hours before needing assistance from other agencies. Then the economic bottom fell out. And the idea of having a full-time hand crew was abandoned – at least for now.

Carrying more than 25 pounds of gear and tools, hand crews are a rough-and-tumble group willing to hack, cut and scrape up hillsides covered by dense brush and trees. Clearing a line to bare earth and giving the fires nothing else to burn, their work keeps wildfire in check. For up to nine months a year, they live and breathe fire, then go back to their lives as lifeguards, grocery clerks and students.

It was an OCFA hand crew's scraping and cutting away of brush that kept the Freeway Complex fire from racing into Anaheim Hills and Orange Park Acres after it jumped the 91 and ran up the hillsides, said Joe Kerr, president of the Orange County Professional Firefighters.

The fire service world is a world of specific roles. The engineer drives the engine. The paramedic treats patients. The dispatcher answers emergency calls and sends help. The hand crew has its role: cutting fire lines around the fire. It is a complicated unit, dependent on teamwork and experience to be effective. It is a young man's job, made up of hours of hard labor.

To make do, OCFA is taking paramedics and engineers out of their engines, handing them shovels and rakes, and teaching them how to be a hand crew. Instead of treating car accident victims and heart attacks, engine crews are cutting brush and picking up used hoses.

Firefighters can do the job of clearing brush, but they are hardly the experts, union and management officials agree, and in many cases are not qualified to safely handle some of the equipment.

"I just don't think it's the best use of our resources," Cruz said. But management decided not to staff a hand crew, and the agency is trying to make it work.

"It's not a tool we use every day," Kerr said. "Hand crews are specifically dedicated to the mission of brush clearance. And that is just as important as the mission of our firefighters."

Some engines carry chainsaws, but many of OCFA's 800-person firefighting force are not certified to use them. Just 45 out of roughly 800 OCFA firefighters are qualified to use chainsaws to cut down burning trees, with 20 more waiting to be certified.

Additional wildland chainsaw training has been offered to firefighters, but is not required, Battalion Chief Kris Concepcion said.

In July, that fact forced OCFA firefighters to wait for two Los Angeles County hand crews to cut down burning eucalyptus trees at a Lake Forest fire. Plans are in the works next year to train an additional 100 firefighters to cut down trees, Cruz said.

Pulling engines from their stations to transform them into makeshift hand crews sets off a complex chain reaction, forcing other engines to cover larger areas. That means potentially longer response times and longer periods of times engines and trucks are unavailable for the next call.

"We still cover the dirt," Concepcion said.

If one is needed to fight a fire on state land, Cal Fire sends one of its 196 prison inmate crews. Mutual aid from other agencies, like Los Angeles County and the U.S. Forest Service, kicks in for other fires. But they may be hours or days away if there are other major fires burning elsewhere. Sometimes they might not be there at all.

"It's fairly easy for them to request hand crews, engines or aircraft," Cal Fire spokesman Daniel Berlant said. But requesting and getting is not always the same thing.

"The problem is with so many fires at one time, it takes a lot of resources," Berlant said. "Especially in the first 24 hours, you always feel like you need more. And you don't know what other agencies are going to be available."

Being neighborly sometimes means pitching in for free. "We've had to ask our neighbors for help while we're in this predicament," Cruz said.

"You don't have to staff a fire department for the day-to-day," Kerr said. "You staff a fire department for a major emergency, 'cause it's coming."

And guess who will pay the price?  Not the Big-Wigs who decide these things.  You would think they have learned a lesson by now.  I guess not until their mansion is burned to the ground.

Rant over….. Just ticks me off!

Hope you had a nice weekend!

I thought you would get a kick out of these.  These people live among us!!

Hope you all have a GREAT weekend!!

Ok, so I’m a little bitter and disappointed but I’ll admit that the Yankees were the best team.  Make that the best team money can buy!  HAH!!  $423.5 Million to ‘buy’ 3 players?  The rich DO get richer.

The sad part for me was watching the Phillie’s manager, Charlie Manuel, giving an interview in the bowels of Yankee Stadium while the Yankees were dancing and partying on the field.  As he was saying how proud he was of his team, you could see that he was having a difficult time holding it together.  But he did.

Charlie Manuel

Although he was born in West Virginia, his family was actually living in Virginia at that time, and he lived in Virginia throughout his childhood. He was born in a automobile while his mother, June, was visiting her mother. His father, Charles Sr., was a Pentecostal preacher, and the family lived in Wythe and Grayson Counties until they settled in Buena Vista when Charlie, the third of 11 children and the oldest son, was 12.

He became a four-sport star at Parry McCluer High School in Buena Vista, playing baseball, American football, basketball and track and field and captaining the baseball and basketball teams. His first love was basketball and he had received scholarship offers in that sport, but his plans and his life would dramatically change just before his high school graduation.

In April 1963, his father, who had been ill with diabetes and heart problems, committed suicide, leaving behind a suicide note asking that Charlie, who was already married with a child, take care of his mother and siblings. He turned down his basketball scholarship offers, including one to the University of Pennsylvania, to consider offers from the Pittsburgh Pirates, Detroit Tigers, Minnesota Twins, and New York Yankees, ultimately signing with the Twins out of high school in 1963 for $20,000.

During his time playing in Japan, Manuel learned to speak Japanese. This has become an asset, as he has been able to communicate with players such as So Taguchi and Tadahito Iguchi.

At a game against the Lotte Orions on June 19, 1979, he was hit in the face by a pitch from Soroku Yagisawa. The pitch crushed his jaw, and he was told by his doctor that he needed at least two months to recover. However, he returned to the game after being sidelined for only 14 games, as the Buffaloes were struggling to win the first-half season championship. To protect his bruised jaw, Manuel wore a helmet equipped with a American football facemask. The team went on to win the first-half championship and eventually the pennant for the whole season.

Manuel has survived a heart attack, quadruple bypass surgery and cancer. During his time with the Indians, he worked in the dugout with a colostomy bag beneath his jacket. Manuel's mother June died October 10, 2008, at age 87 in Buena Vista, Virginia. She had suffered a heart attack earlier in the week. Because of the Phillies' 2008 NLCS five-game win, he was able to attend his mother's funeral. He currently has a fiancée named Missy.

He’s a ‘Good ‘Ol Boy’ and he vows that the Phillies will return to the World Series in 2010.  But they really need one more dependable staring pitcher and to upgrade their bullpen. ‘Nuff said about that.

*****************************************************************************************************************************************************************

Cat Comes Down With Swine Flu

A 13 year-old Iowa cat has been infected with swine flu, veterinary and federal officials said Wednesday, and it is believed to be the first case of the H1N1 virus in a feline.

The domestic short-haired cat was treated last week at Iowa State University College of Veterinary Medicine in Ames and has recovered.  The virus also has been confirmed in two ferrets – one in Oregon and the other in Nebraska – but they died.

“We’ve known certainly it’s possible this could happen,” said CDC spokesman Tom Skinner.  “This may be the first instance where we have documentation that transmission occurred involving cats or dogs.”

The veterinarian who treated the cat said two of the three people in the cat’s Iowa home had flu-like symptoms before the cat became ill.  Other flu strains have been known to cross species.

****************************************************************************************************************************************************************

My wife is attending a company-sponsored golf tournament today and Friday in the desert and a baby shower for our niece on Sunday in Phoenix so yeah, party here again!!  She doesn’t golf so I think she will be operating the beer cart.  My weekend starts NOW!!!!  Hope you all have  Super one!!!

It’s Wednesday already.  Before we know it, the weekend will be here.  Quiet in the neighborhood but I have my camera ready and am keeping an eye out.

In the meantime, some stories you might have missed:

Batted Back

By now, maybe you have heard about and/or seen the video of basketball player Manu Ginobili swatting a bat out of the air at a recent San Antonio Spurs game, knocking it to the ground and carrying it off the court. 

So has People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, which chided Ginobili by posting the following on it’s website:  “Here’s our take on it:  To bludgeon a 4-ounce animal to death, it takes either a small man or a totally unthinking one with no respect or consideration for lives other than his own.  This is a time when athletes in particular need to be on their best behavior around any animal and show that they have brains and a heart, not just reactionary brawn.

“Bats always try to avoid contact with humans, and there are plenty of easy ways to keep bats out of a basketball arena (or your home).  We hope that the next time someone’s life is on the line, Manu Ginobili will take a few seconds to think before he acts.”

Beyond that, Ginobili reported on his Facebook page that he had to get vaccinated for rabies after handling the bat.

Geez PETA!!

*****************************************************************************************************************************************************************

Run of Strange Thoughts

Among the perks Meb Keflezigi received after winning the New York City Marathon was the chance to appear on David Letterman’s show to present a Top 10 List - “Top 10 Thoughts That Go Through Your Mind While Running the New York City Marathon.”

Among them:

“Wow, Staten Island is even more beautiful than I imagined.”

“Cool! MapQuest found a route that’s only 5 miles.”

“Am I experiencing a runner’s high or is it the bus fumes?”

“Is that the finish line or crime scene tape?”

“Why can I run 26 miles in less time that it takes to play a World Series game?”

“I really hope that was Gatorade.”

I just call that runner's name 'Alphabet'!

*****************************************************************************************************************************************************************

And Finally…..

Town Caps Cat Ownership at 3

A Massachusetts town has made it illegal to own more than three cats without getting a $50 residential kennel license.

Voters at a town meeting in Dudley adopted the provision Monday in response to a neighborhood feud over Mary Ellen Richards’ 15 cats.  The Telegram & Gazette of Worcester reported that one man accused the cats of ruining his yard.

Richards is trying to sell her home and says she plans to move to a “more cat-friendly community.”

I'm surprised PETA isn't involved!

Have a Wonderful rest-of-the-week!!

Yeah that’s me, not my dog!!  Halloween is today/tonight and not to be caught short, I bought 300 candy cars.  There should be enough left over for me.  This year I have multiple lighted pumpkins, a very scary tape playing and of course, my buddy Skeletor shown above.  I just call him Skelly!

Since this Halloween is kind of strange (Before the time change and no school the next day) I expect alot of spooks.  I WILL be taking pictures and posting them tomorrow.

Here are my pathetic decorations:

Photos of Trick or Treaters tomorrow.  Should be a fun night!!  Clear skies and upper 50's.

BTW, that bench in the last photo is an OLD Chinese school bench.  About 150 years old.  Here's a better view.

Hope you all have a Happy, Spooky Halloween!!

Go Phillies tonight!!

Billy is my Vietnamese neighbor and he lives next door.  If you remember, he is the one who has Asian TV commercials filmed at his house.  I never miss them!!  Great Food!  I posted about one of his ‘shoots’ awhile back.

Anyhow, he loves to throws BBQs, even though he leaves his grill out in the weather year-round, and he invites all of his friends (The reason for Rod’s orange cones!).  I went to one but Billy was the only one who spoke English so I pass now.

So, he had a new patio roof put up and that just begged for a party.  Thing is, he works for 3 days to get ready for his parties and they only last 45 minutes.  His guests come. eat and go.  Must be a Vietnamese thing.

But we are good friends.  We help each other and at least he’s not like the last 2 people who lived there!  One guy had a Peacock that squawked 24/7 and the other had a Rottweiler that could jump over our six-foot wall.

This weekend I hope to get a photo of Billy, his beautiful wife and his 2 young daughters.

************************************************************************************************************************

Well, the Phillies lost last night but the next 3 are in Philadelphia!!  The Yankees don’t look that tough!

************************************************************************************************************************

Tomorrow is Halloween and we are expecting around 200+ kids at our door.  I swear they bus them in!!  But I’m ready and have the front entryway decorated and of course, a scary mask to wear when I answer the door.  Oh yeah….  and a cool Halloween tape playing in the dark garage.  I usually have to chase a few down the street to give them their candy.  I have GOT to remember to take the mask off first!!  Should be fun!!  My favorite holiday.

I’ll post Sunday with photos!  Have a Spooky Halloween!!

Ahh Yes!!  My neighbor Rod.  The patriarch of the neighborhood.  Right…….!  lol!  He is the dad of redneck #2 (you remember him…  40 years old and rides a ‘Hello Kitty’ bike.  This family lives right across the street from me so I can’t help but see them every day.  I’ve witnessed all of their fistfights and every idiosyncrasy he has.  Sorry……. but with a huge picture window, it’s hard not to watch.  They are really nice people and great neighbors but here are a few things that I’ve observed:

1. One day, years ago, I saw smoke pouring out of the back of his house.  I raced over and there he was, in his outdoor shower!!  YIKES!!  It was steam!!  Now I want one!!

2.  Whenever a car comes down the street going a little faster than he would like, he comes racing out and yells and flips off the driver.  Sometimes they come back and confront him.  I have intervened a few times.

3. Rod is a retired Air Force Colonel and recently he rang my doorbell and asked me why my flag wasn’t flying.  I asked him what day it it was and he glared at me and told me it was Air Force Day!! (There’s an Air Force Day??).  So I put my flag up.  Last week I put up my flag and knocked on his door and asked why his flag wasn’t flying!  He cursed at me and wanted to know what day it was.  I told him Coast Guard Day!!  LOL!!  15 minutes later his flag was up!!  Next up, Brownie Scout Day!!

4.  One day I watched as he borrowed ‘Hello Kitty’ for a ride around the block and after going 10 feet, fell over into his Ivy and his sweet wife Mary had to help him up. 

5.  He takes a walk everyday (Good for him!) and carries this goofy-looking cane with him.  The tip of that cane has NEVER touched the ground but as he arrives at his house, he always tries to twirl it.  Drops it every time.

6.  Whenever our Vietnamese neighbors throw a BBQ or party and the guests begin to arrive, he runs (runs??) out and places orange cones on the street in front of his house.  Isn’t that illegal??  After all, he has one car and a driveway.  When one of the guests complained, Rod flipped him off!  Typical Rod!!

But he is a good friend and they are great neighbors.  He’s just too entertaining!!

***************************************************************************************

Soupy Sales add on…

Like many others , I grew up with his wonderful brand of humor. Soupy used to post his menu so we could have lunch with him every day. I know it drove my mom crazy, but as kids it was important to have whatever he was having.
I wanted my name to show up one day on Willie the Worm's birthday greetings, but it never happened.
Clips from his old shows on YouTube are a treasure and a great reminder of what a terrific entertainer he was.

***************************************************************************************

And Finally……

Exhibition Game?  No, Exhibitionists!

An Idaho hockey team was suspended from a city ice rink after players engaged in a game of “strip hockey” – shedding a piece of uniform every time a practice shot missed it’s mark.

As redress for last Wednesday’s incident, Boise banished the Idaho Junior Steelheads team from Idaho Ice World for four days.

One 17 year-old player who shed his underwear was suspended until next week. Police are investigating whether public decency laws were violated.

An adult whose daughter was on an adjacent rink called a city hotline to complained.

The shootout drill went like this.  If they missed a shot, they had to take off a glove.  If they missed another, they had to take off another glove. And so on, and so forth.

That’s all I have for today.  Ready for the Phillies/Yankees World Series!!!

Go Phillies!!! 

When I was a kid, I used to love this show.  I probably still would!!

October 23, 2009

Even though the occasion is sad, there is something oddly bracing in setting out to write about a man who called himself "Soupy." We need more Soupys in this self-important, don't-you-dare-throw-that-pie world -- and now there is one less, Soupy Sales having died Thursday at the age of 83.

Born Milton Supman to the only Jewish family in Franklinton, N.C., Sales first got into children's television in Detroit in 1953 -- he also had a grown-up nighttime show there -- but his years of greatest renown were from 1959 to 1966, when he worked out of Los Angeles and New York and was seen all over the country. His costume, such as it was, comprised a black pullover sweater and a floppy bow tie; early on he also wore a top hat, later on he ditched the tie.

My memory of "The Soupy Sales Show" (originally "Lunch with Soupy Sales") is not of specific bits, but an impression of noise and energy and a cheap, sketchy set fit with the usual appurtenances of a midcentury kids' show: a window (for Pookie the lion puppet to appear in), a door (for Soupy to answer). Waving in from the side of the frame were the paws of his otherwise unseen very big dogs, White Fang, the Biggest and Meanest Dog in the USA, and Black Tooth, the Biggest and Sweetest Dog in the USA, whom I never could keep straight in spite of the color-coding. (White Fang is the one I would imitate by saying, "Oh-reah-oh-reh-uh," unless it was Black Tooth.) There were pies in the face, mostly in Soupy's face, though sometimes in the face of a celebrity guest: Frank Sinatra took one, and so did Tony Curtis. The jokes were already old when vaudeville was new: "Show me a giant rooster chasing a member of Parliament.... And I'll show you a chicken catch a Tory." ("Now, just what do we mean by that?" Soupy said afterward, never answering the question.)

The corniness was knowing -- it was jazz, basically, like a bop musician ad-libbing on "Sweet Sue." Not so much written as riffed, "The Soupy Sales Show" was both hip and elemental, obscure and accessible, because even when it was obscure it was silly and energetic. Although the show was ostensibly for kids, the sound of laughter coming off the screen was wholly that of the grown men on the crew, to whom Soupy would play as a nightclub comic plays to the band. (That is a sound you don't hear much on TV now, the sound of the laughing crew.)

It is true that children like a reassuring voice of gentle authority, but it is also true that they like to go where the wild things are. They like an adult who does not talk down to them, but they particularly like an adult who doesn't talk down to them because he is already on their level.

There is more kids' television now than ever; whole networks are devoted to it. And yet with all those hours to fill, you will find nothing like Soupy Sales.

I hope that some of you were old enough to have seen his show.  Too funny!

PS:  You can watch excerpts of his shows on YouTube.  Still makes me LOL!!