An Octomom costume provides a falsie sense of security

By Chris Erskine

Our Halloween was so good we would almost like to do it again a week later. The night was crisp and smelled of apples. We hit a couple of wonderful parties, raucous affairs, as befits the day.
The Snickers bars seem to get smaller every Halloween, but not the festivities. Life is candy. Good friends too.
While out trick-or-treating, I crashed one party just to catch up on a football score. They had the game up on their big screen, which you could see from the street. One of the hidden little payoffs of trick-or-treating with the kids is getting to look inside other people's homes.
So, in costume of course, I wander into these strangers' house, where about 10 of them are watching USC snooze to Oregon.
"So what's the score?" I ask.
"Octomom!" someone shouts.
"Where?" I ask, looking around.
Actually, I was the Octomom. It was the wife’s idea. She called me at work the previous day and announced she was buying a bunch of babies to pin to a dress.
Now, an Octomom costume is a good idea, assuming you are a woman to begin with. she insisted it was an even better idea were I to be the one to dress as Octomom, because men in drag seem to carry with them a certain reverse gravitas.
"Really, you should do it," I told her after thinking it over.
"No, you should do it," she insisted, and I detected in her voice a sense of revenge for all my failings of the past 30 years -- the times I forgot the dishes, or left globs of toothpaste in the sink. I am, relatively, not an awful husband at all, but that's only when measured against the other guys. As you know, that's setting the bar at a very modest height.
So I slipped on the dress she bought at Goodwill. Then I added a wig the color of old nickels. Hot.
Then I added the chest pieces -- a couple of balloons, modestly pumped. I've lived in L.A. long enough to know that if a woman wants to stand out in a crowd, she should wear small tasteful breasts, for everyone else has the other kind.
Dignity is a strange thing -- it comes and it goes. But the moment you put on a wig and falsies, you've pretty much given up every shred of anything approaching human dignity. At such a moment, nobility is a distant thought, like whitewall tires or $2 gas.
In fact, in drag a man becomes a different creature -- a mysterious confection. For the first time ever, I was the hottest woman in the room.
"Octomom!" people shouted, and suddenly I felt the tug of celebrity and unconditional love, all the things I dread in life.
"Oh, look, it's Octo . . . something!" I heard over and over.
I was astounded how quickly folks got the concept, for the only thing that separated me from every other Halloween floozy were the eight toy babies that Posh had pinned to my dress.
"Jon & Kate Plus 8?!!" guessed one person.
"Close enough," I said.

House to house we went, past other people's pumpkins, which seem to get more artful every year. My jack-o'-lanterns always look like self-portraits -- a little bloated, as if they had a six-pack with dinner. You could carve them with a corkscrew.
And as the night proceeded, the Octomom comments became more reckless. At one point, my balloons flipped around, nozzle side out, and it looked like I was chilled, in the womanly manner of '70s-era sitcom actresses.
"I just caught myself," one dad confessed, "looking down your blouse."
He wasn't really that ashamed either. The guy wrote it off as a male reflex. Me, I probably should've been more offended.
"Get him a drink, he's boring me!" one mom yelled.
"Yeah, get me a drink," I stammered.
Women are weird. First of all, you wouldn't believe how competitive some of them became. Sure, I was working it a little, but I've seen enough old Milton Berle skits to know that, while wearing the enemy's uniform, it's best to be unaffected and very deadpan.
Danielle, for one, saw me as an instant rival, though I have no interest in her husband, John, or any man in her life except maybe myself.
Second of all, the women became obsessed with my chest pieces, way more than the men. At one of the parties, they kept arranging the falsies in different ways. They pushed them together so I had cleavage. Let me just say this about cleavage: Even on a man, it looks good.
In the end, it was a worthy gag, and everyone had fun with it, particularly my wife, the only person I really need to please, after all. She giggled like a schoolgirl at almost everything. For a moment, I thought my outfit might add a whole new dimension to our torrid little relationship.
But Halloween is tiring -- heavy food, lots of walking. We both fell asleep about 10.

Great costume, don’t you think??  HAHAHA!!!  Why didn’t I think of that?

I always love to read this guy!!

WTG Orange County Fire Authority!!  Idiots!

After all of the destructive and deadly wildfires we have had here, our genius fire authority made a really bonehead decision.

The part-time hand crew credited with keeping last year's Freeway Complex fire from racing through Anaheim Hills and Orange Park Acres was disbanded at the end of last year's fire season, and a plan to upgrade it with a round-the-clock crew was shelved because of hard economic times, fire officials said.

Hand crews – highly specialized teams that cut lines around flames to rein in wildfires – are instrumental in controlling the flames, the Orange County Fire Authority firefighters union and management agree.

Despite repeated calls to maintain a critical part of its wildland firefighting force, OCFA soldiers will have to continue on without a hand crew for the first time in 30 years.

The department is relying on other agencies to lend hands, transforming its own engine companies into hand crews and crossing its fingers that it won't be faced with firestorms like the ones it has been dealt twice in the past 23 months.

If another major fire occurs, there is no guarantee outside help will be there. For now, the largest fire department in the county is taking the fire season one day at a time.

It was the 2007 Santiago fire that taught OCFA a harsh lesson: No one was coming to save them. Tens of thousands of acres were burning around California when the fire erupted. With 21 major fires burning at once, the October 2007 fire siege destroyed more than 517,000 acres, killed 10 people and destroyed more than 2,200 homes and buildings.

Firefighting resources across the state were stretched. OCFA's hand crew was the only hand crew fighting the Santiago fire for days, trying to corral the monster blaze.

"Hand crews are a scarce resource when the fires get burning. We can never count on anybody else's," said OCFA Battalion Chief Ken Cruz, who oversees hand crew operations. "With your own, it's faster to help control the fire, and you know they're going to be there."

The OCFA vowed to be self-sufficient for at least 72 hours before needing assistance from other agencies. Then the economic bottom fell out. And the idea of having a full-time hand crew was abandoned – at least for now.

Carrying more than 25 pounds of gear and tools, hand crews are a rough-and-tumble group willing to hack, cut and scrape up hillsides covered by dense brush and trees. Clearing a line to bare earth and giving the fires nothing else to burn, their work keeps wildfire in check. For up to nine months a year, they live and breathe fire, then go back to their lives as lifeguards, grocery clerks and students.

It was an OCFA hand crew's scraping and cutting away of brush that kept the Freeway Complex fire from racing into Anaheim Hills and Orange Park Acres after it jumped the 91 and ran up the hillsides, said Joe Kerr, president of the Orange County Professional Firefighters.

The fire service world is a world of specific roles. The engineer drives the engine. The paramedic treats patients. The dispatcher answers emergency calls and sends help. The hand crew has its role: cutting fire lines around the fire. It is a complicated unit, dependent on teamwork and experience to be effective. It is a young man's job, made up of hours of hard labor.

To make do, OCFA is taking paramedics and engineers out of their engines, handing them shovels and rakes, and teaching them how to be a hand crew. Instead of treating car accident victims and heart attacks, engine crews are cutting brush and picking up used hoses.

Firefighters can do the job of clearing brush, but they are hardly the experts, union and management officials agree, and in many cases are not qualified to safely handle some of the equipment.

"I just don't think it's the best use of our resources," Cruz said. But management decided not to staff a hand crew, and the agency is trying to make it work.

"It's not a tool we use every day," Kerr said. "Hand crews are specifically dedicated to the mission of brush clearance. And that is just as important as the mission of our firefighters."

Some engines carry chainsaws, but many of OCFA's 800-person firefighting force are not certified to use them. Just 45 out of roughly 800 OCFA firefighters are qualified to use chainsaws to cut down burning trees, with 20 more waiting to be certified.

Additional wildland chainsaw training has been offered to firefighters, but is not required, Battalion Chief Kris Concepcion said.

In July, that fact forced OCFA firefighters to wait for two Los Angeles County hand crews to cut down burning eucalyptus trees at a Lake Forest fire. Plans are in the works next year to train an additional 100 firefighters to cut down trees, Cruz said.

Pulling engines from their stations to transform them into makeshift hand crews sets off a complex chain reaction, forcing other engines to cover larger areas. That means potentially longer response times and longer periods of times engines and trucks are unavailable for the next call.

"We still cover the dirt," Concepcion said.

If one is needed to fight a fire on state land, Cal Fire sends one of its 196 prison inmate crews. Mutual aid from other agencies, like Los Angeles County and the U.S. Forest Service, kicks in for other fires. But they may be hours or days away if there are other major fires burning elsewhere. Sometimes they might not be there at all.

"It's fairly easy for them to request hand crews, engines or aircraft," Cal Fire spokesman Daniel Berlant said. But requesting and getting is not always the same thing.

"The problem is with so many fires at one time, it takes a lot of resources," Berlant said. "Especially in the first 24 hours, you always feel like you need more. And you don't know what other agencies are going to be available."

Being neighborly sometimes means pitching in for free. "We've had to ask our neighbors for help while we're in this predicament," Cruz said.

"You don't have to staff a fire department for the day-to-day," Kerr said. "You staff a fire department for a major emergency, 'cause it's coming."

And guess who will pay the price?  Not the Big-Wigs who decide these things.  You would think they have learned a lesson by now.  I guess not until their mansion is burned to the ground.

Rant over….. Just ticks me off!

Hope you had a nice weekend!

I thought you would get a kick out of these.  These people live among us!!

Hope you all have a GREAT weekend!!

Ok, so I’m a little bitter and disappointed but I’ll admit that the Yankees were the best team.  Make that the best team money can buy!  HAH!!  $423.5 Million to ‘buy’ 3 players?  The rich DO get richer.

The sad part for me was watching the Phillie’s manager, Charlie Manuel, giving an interview in the bowels of Yankee Stadium while the Yankees were dancing and partying on the field.  As he was saying how proud he was of his team, you could see that he was having a difficult time holding it together.  But he did.

Charlie Manuel

Although he was born in West Virginia, his family was actually living in Virginia at that time, and he lived in Virginia throughout his childhood. He was born in a automobile while his mother, June, was visiting her mother. His father, Charles Sr., was a Pentecostal preacher, and the family lived in Wythe and Grayson Counties until they settled in Buena Vista when Charlie, the third of 11 children and the oldest son, was 12.

He became a four-sport star at Parry McCluer High School in Buena Vista, playing baseball, American football, basketball and track and field and captaining the baseball and basketball teams. His first love was basketball and he had received scholarship offers in that sport, but his plans and his life would dramatically change just before his high school graduation.

In April 1963, his father, who had been ill with diabetes and heart problems, committed suicide, leaving behind a suicide note asking that Charlie, who was already married with a child, take care of his mother and siblings. He turned down his basketball scholarship offers, including one to the University of Pennsylvania, to consider offers from the Pittsburgh Pirates, Detroit Tigers, Minnesota Twins, and New York Yankees, ultimately signing with the Twins out of high school in 1963 for $20,000.

During his time playing in Japan, Manuel learned to speak Japanese. This has become an asset, as he has been able to communicate with players such as So Taguchi and Tadahito Iguchi.

At a game against the Lotte Orions on June 19, 1979, he was hit in the face by a pitch from Soroku Yagisawa. The pitch crushed his jaw, and he was told by his doctor that he needed at least two months to recover. However, he returned to the game after being sidelined for only 14 games, as the Buffaloes were struggling to win the first-half season championship. To protect his bruised jaw, Manuel wore a helmet equipped with a American football facemask. The team went on to win the first-half championship and eventually the pennant for the whole season.

Manuel has survived a heart attack, quadruple bypass surgery and cancer. During his time with the Indians, he worked in the dugout with a colostomy bag beneath his jacket. Manuel's mother June died October 10, 2008, at age 87 in Buena Vista, Virginia. She had suffered a heart attack earlier in the week. Because of the Phillies' 2008 NLCS five-game win, he was able to attend his mother's funeral. He currently has a fiancée named Missy.

He’s a ‘Good ‘Ol Boy’ and he vows that the Phillies will return to the World Series in 2010.  But they really need one more dependable staring pitcher and to upgrade their bullpen. ‘Nuff said about that.

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Cat Comes Down With Swine Flu

A 13 year-old Iowa cat has been infected with swine flu, veterinary and federal officials said Wednesday, and it is believed to be the first case of the H1N1 virus in a feline.

The domestic short-haired cat was treated last week at Iowa State University College of Veterinary Medicine in Ames and has recovered.  The virus also has been confirmed in two ferrets – one in Oregon and the other in Nebraska – but they died.

“We’ve known certainly it’s possible this could happen,” said CDC spokesman Tom Skinner.  “This may be the first instance where we have documentation that transmission occurred involving cats or dogs.”

The veterinarian who treated the cat said two of the three people in the cat’s Iowa home had flu-like symptoms before the cat became ill.  Other flu strains have been known to cross species.

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My wife is attending a company-sponsored golf tournament today and Friday in the desert and a baby shower for our niece on Sunday in Phoenix so yeah, party here again!!  She doesn’t golf so I think she will be operating the beer cart.  My weekend starts NOW!!!!  Hope you all have  Super one!!!

It’s Wednesday already.  Before we know it, the weekend will be here.  Quiet in the neighborhood but I have my camera ready and am keeping an eye out.

In the meantime, some stories you might have missed:

Batted Back

By now, maybe you have heard about and/or seen the video of basketball player Manu Ginobili swatting a bat out of the air at a recent San Antonio Spurs game, knocking it to the ground and carrying it off the court. 

So has People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, which chided Ginobili by posting the following on it’s website:  “Here’s our take on it:  To bludgeon a 4-ounce animal to death, it takes either a small man or a totally unthinking one with no respect or consideration for lives other than his own.  This is a time when athletes in particular need to be on their best behavior around any animal and show that they have brains and a heart, not just reactionary brawn.

“Bats always try to avoid contact with humans, and there are plenty of easy ways to keep bats out of a basketball arena (or your home).  We hope that the next time someone’s life is on the line, Manu Ginobili will take a few seconds to think before he acts.”

Beyond that, Ginobili reported on his Facebook page that he had to get vaccinated for rabies after handling the bat.

Geez PETA!!

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Run of Strange Thoughts

Among the perks Meb Keflezigi received after winning the New York City Marathon was the chance to appear on David Letterman’s show to present a Top 10 List - “Top 10 Thoughts That Go Through Your Mind While Running the New York City Marathon.”

Among them:

“Wow, Staten Island is even more beautiful than I imagined.”

“Cool! MapQuest found a route that’s only 5 miles.”

“Am I experiencing a runner’s high or is it the bus fumes?”

“Is that the finish line or crime scene tape?”

“Why can I run 26 miles in less time that it takes to play a World Series game?”

“I really hope that was Gatorade.”

I just call that runner's name 'Alphabet'!

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And Finally…..

Town Caps Cat Ownership at 3

A Massachusetts town has made it illegal to own more than three cats without getting a $50 residential kennel license.

Voters at a town meeting in Dudley adopted the provision Monday in response to a neighborhood feud over Mary Ellen Richards’ 15 cats.  The Telegram & Gazette of Worcester reported that one man accused the cats of ruining his yard.

Richards is trying to sell her home and says she plans to move to a “more cat-friendly community.”

I'm surprised PETA isn't involved!

Have a Wonderful rest-of-the-week!!

Yeah that’s me, not my dog!!  Halloween is today/tonight and not to be caught short, I bought 300 candy cars.  There should be enough left over for me.  This year I have multiple lighted pumpkins, a very scary tape playing and of course, my buddy Skeletor shown above.  I just call him Skelly!

Since this Halloween is kind of strange (Before the time change and no school the next day) I expect alot of spooks.  I WILL be taking pictures and posting them tomorrow.

Here are my pathetic decorations:

Photos of Trick or Treaters tomorrow.  Should be a fun night!!  Clear skies and upper 50's.

BTW, that bench in the last photo is an OLD Chinese school bench.  About 150 years old.  Here's a better view.

Hope you all have a Happy, Spooky Halloween!!

Go Phillies tonight!!

Billy is my Vietnamese neighbor and he lives next door.  If you remember, he is the one who has Asian TV commercials filmed at his house.  I never miss them!!  Great Food!  I posted about one of his ‘shoots’ awhile back.

Anyhow, he loves to throws BBQs, even though he leaves his grill out in the weather year-round, and he invites all of his friends (The reason for Rod’s orange cones!).  I went to one but Billy was the only one who spoke English so I pass now.

So, he had a new patio roof put up and that just begged for a party.  Thing is, he works for 3 days to get ready for his parties and they only last 45 minutes.  His guests come. eat and go.  Must be a Vietnamese thing.

But we are good friends.  We help each other and at least he’s not like the last 2 people who lived there!  One guy had a Peacock that squawked 24/7 and the other had a Rottweiler that could jump over our six-foot wall.

This weekend I hope to get a photo of Billy, his beautiful wife and his 2 young daughters.

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Well, the Phillies lost last night but the next 3 are in Philadelphia!!  The Yankees don’t look that tough!

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Tomorrow is Halloween and we are expecting around 200+ kids at our door.  I swear they bus them in!!  But I’m ready and have the front entryway decorated and of course, a scary mask to wear when I answer the door.  Oh yeah….  and a cool Halloween tape playing in the dark garage.  I usually have to chase a few down the street to give them their candy.  I have GOT to remember to take the mask off first!!  Should be fun!!  My favorite holiday.

I’ll post Sunday with photos!  Have a Spooky Halloween!!

Ahh Yes!!  My neighbor Rod.  The patriarch of the neighborhood.  Right…….!  lol!  He is the dad of redneck #2 (you remember him…  40 years old and rides a ‘Hello Kitty’ bike.  This family lives right across the street from me so I can’t help but see them every day.  I’ve witnessed all of their fistfights and every idiosyncrasy he has.  Sorry……. but with a huge picture window, it’s hard not to watch.  They are really nice people and great neighbors but here are a few things that I’ve observed:

1. One day, years ago, I saw smoke pouring out of the back of his house.  I raced over and there he was, in his outdoor shower!!  YIKES!!  It was steam!!  Now I want one!!

2.  Whenever a car comes down the street going a little faster than he would like, he comes racing out and yells and flips off the driver.  Sometimes they come back and confront him.  I have intervened a few times.

3. Rod is a retired Air Force Colonel and recently he rang my doorbell and asked me why my flag wasn’t flying.  I asked him what day it it was and he glared at me and told me it was Air Force Day!! (There’s an Air Force Day??).  So I put my flag up.  Last week I put up my flag and knocked on his door and asked why his flag wasn’t flying!  He cursed at me and wanted to know what day it was.  I told him Coast Guard Day!!  LOL!!  15 minutes later his flag was up!!  Next up, Brownie Scout Day!!

4.  One day I watched as he borrowed ‘Hello Kitty’ for a ride around the block and after going 10 feet, fell over into his Ivy and his sweet wife Mary had to help him up. 

5.  He takes a walk everyday (Good for him!) and carries this goofy-looking cane with him.  The tip of that cane has NEVER touched the ground but as he arrives at his house, he always tries to twirl it.  Drops it every time.

6.  Whenever our Vietnamese neighbors throw a BBQ or party and the guests begin to arrive, he runs (runs??) out and places orange cones on the street in front of his house.  Isn’t that illegal??  After all, he has one car and a driveway.  When one of the guests complained, Rod flipped him off!  Typical Rod!!

But he is a good friend and they are great neighbors.  He’s just too entertaining!!

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Soupy Sales add on…

Like many others , I grew up with his wonderful brand of humor. Soupy used to post his menu so we could have lunch with him every day. I know it drove my mom crazy, but as kids it was important to have whatever he was having.
I wanted my name to show up one day on Willie the Worm's birthday greetings, but it never happened.
Clips from his old shows on YouTube are a treasure and a great reminder of what a terrific entertainer he was.

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And Finally……

Exhibition Game?  No, Exhibitionists!

An Idaho hockey team was suspended from a city ice rink after players engaged in a game of “strip hockey” – shedding a piece of uniform every time a practice shot missed it’s mark.

As redress for last Wednesday’s incident, Boise banished the Idaho Junior Steelheads team from Idaho Ice World for four days.

One 17 year-old player who shed his underwear was suspended until next week. Police are investigating whether public decency laws were violated.

An adult whose daughter was on an adjacent rink called a city hotline to complained.

The shootout drill went like this.  If they missed a shot, they had to take off a glove.  If they missed another, they had to take off another glove. And so on, and so forth.

That’s all I have for today.  Ready for the Phillies/Yankees World Series!!!

Go Phillies!!! 

When I was a kid, I used to love this show.  I probably still would!!

October 23, 2009

Even though the occasion is sad, there is something oddly bracing in setting out to write about a man who called himself "Soupy." We need more Soupys in this self-important, don't-you-dare-throw-that-pie world -- and now there is one less, Soupy Sales having died Thursday at the age of 83.

Born Milton Supman to the only Jewish family in Franklinton, N.C., Sales first got into children's television in Detroit in 1953 -- he also had a grown-up nighttime show there -- but his years of greatest renown were from 1959 to 1966, when he worked out of Los Angeles and New York and was seen all over the country. His costume, such as it was, comprised a black pullover sweater and a floppy bow tie; early on he also wore a top hat, later on he ditched the tie.

My memory of "The Soupy Sales Show" (originally "Lunch with Soupy Sales") is not of specific bits, but an impression of noise and energy and a cheap, sketchy set fit with the usual appurtenances of a midcentury kids' show: a window (for Pookie the lion puppet to appear in), a door (for Soupy to answer). Waving in from the side of the frame were the paws of his otherwise unseen very big dogs, White Fang, the Biggest and Meanest Dog in the USA, and Black Tooth, the Biggest and Sweetest Dog in the USA, whom I never could keep straight in spite of the color-coding. (White Fang is the one I would imitate by saying, "Oh-reah-oh-reh-uh," unless it was Black Tooth.) There were pies in the face, mostly in Soupy's face, though sometimes in the face of a celebrity guest: Frank Sinatra took one, and so did Tony Curtis. The jokes were already old when vaudeville was new: "Show me a giant rooster chasing a member of Parliament.... And I'll show you a chicken catch a Tory." ("Now, just what do we mean by that?" Soupy said afterward, never answering the question.)

The corniness was knowing -- it was jazz, basically, like a bop musician ad-libbing on "Sweet Sue." Not so much written as riffed, "The Soupy Sales Show" was both hip and elemental, obscure and accessible, because even when it was obscure it was silly and energetic. Although the show was ostensibly for kids, the sound of laughter coming off the screen was wholly that of the grown men on the crew, to whom Soupy would play as a nightclub comic plays to the band. (That is a sound you don't hear much on TV now, the sound of the laughing crew.)

It is true that children like a reassuring voice of gentle authority, but it is also true that they like to go where the wild things are. They like an adult who does not talk down to them, but they particularly like an adult who doesn't talk down to them because he is already on their level.

There is more kids' television now than ever; whole networks are devoted to it. And yet with all those hours to fill, you will find nothing like Soupy Sales.

I hope that some of you were old enough to have seen his show.  Too funny!

PS:  You can watch excerpts of his shows on YouTube.  Still makes me LOL!!

The Angels – Yankees series that is!! 

What a drama-filled, exciting game it was.  A classic!!!  The Halos scored 4 runs in the first inning and the 4 – 0 score held up until the 7th inning.  That’s when things began to unravel.  John Lackey threw to a full count on against Jorge Posada and then threw a strike and the home plate umpire , as the umpires have for the entire series, called it a  ball.  Lackey is ticked and proceeds to walk the next batter and hit the next one.  Bases loaded and 2 outs.  Up next,  Mark Teixeira, a switch hitter, and Angel’s manager Mike Scioscia walks out to remove Lackey and the pitcher is not pleased.  The Angel’s third baseman, Chone Figgins, said he felt like a bystander about to watch a train wreck.  “I knew this wasn’t going to go well”.

Indeed it didn’t!  As Scioscia approached the mound you could read Lackey’s lips.  “This game is mine!  Are you S******* Me??  This is mine!”.  The reason for the change was to turn the next batter, switch hitter Mark Teixeira, around to his off side.  But it didn’t work.  First pitch, a three-run double to right-center and eventually the Yankees took a 2 run lead.  But on this night, it wasn’t enough as the Angels came back in the 8th and held on in the 9th…… Leaving the Yankees with the bases loaded.

Now it’s on to NY (Oh God!!!) for hopefully the last TWO games.  Bad weather and nasty fans!!  The Angels will be taking it one game at a time.

Sorry this was so long-winded!!  I was excited!!

Some photos:

I love the one of the 3 year-old with the halo!!!

Who Was That Guy?

He’s 29, from El Cajon, according to Anaheim Police Sgt. Rick Martinez.

And, in what will undoubtedly surprise many who watched Cervera traipse around the rocks and flop into the fountain behind center field, he was not drunk.

He was detained on a citizen’s arrest — likely by stadium personnel or security — and detained in Anaheim’s jail Thursday night. He has since been released, and faces charges of trespassing, a misdemeanor.

What a Dork!!!!!

He will not face charges on public drunkenness, though, a clue that officers didn’t find him to be “unable to care for himself or a danger to others,” Martinez said.

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And Finally…..

Underwear from where?

Under the heading "You Can Buy Anything on EBay," file this: Sports memorabilia peddler Phil Castinetti of SportsWorld has three pairs of Boston Red Sox "game-used" underwear for sale.
Yes, for the right price, you can be the proud owner of underpants worn by Dustin Pedroia, Victor Martinez or Hideki Okajima.
"We did great with what we had last year," Castinetti told the Boston Herald. "We got between $200-$300 for A-Rod's underwear, although we had some problems with Josh Beckett and we had to take his off EBay."
How can the buyer be sure these really are Red Sox underwear and, ahem, game-used?
"They are so used, I'd rather not be handling them, to be honest with you," Castinetti said with a laugh.

EWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Dodgers Never had a Chance.

The Dodgers opened the first inning with a home run but that was the only lead they had.  The Phillies came back with 3 runs in the bottom of the first and that was it!!  Dodgers hit solo home runs while the Phils hit 2 or 3 run homers!  Final score, 10 to 4 Phillies. (10 – 4 as in Over and Out!!

As for the Angels, they are down 3 games to 1 against the Yankees so, except for a miracle, they are done.  So much for a freeway series.  One game here and two in New York…  Good luck!  But wait!  In 2004 the Yankees  were up 3 games to zero to the Boston Red Sox and New York lost 4 in a row and the Sox ended up winning up winning the World Series.  You never know.  Three games left and both teams need 27 outs each game.

But it still looks like Phillies and Yankees in the World Series and I’m sure that the Yankees will be favored.  But let me just say, the Phillies can stand toe to toe with the Yankees!!  It should be a great series!!

Now, a short rant!  The Yankees will have home field advantage in the world series even though the Phillies have a better record!  Why??  Because the American League won the All-Star game!  What??  What does that have to do with anything??  The commissioner, Bud Selig, is the worst!!  Let’s count the reasons why:

1. He refuses to allow instant replay except for home runs, even though the umpires blew 4 calls in the Angels/Yankees game on Tuesday night.

2. Rather than use the best umpires in the playoffs, he wants to use all of them… even the bad ones.

3. He was elected commissioner 4 years ago even though he owned a team!  Can you say ‘conflict of interest?

4. His steroid policy is worthless.  It took Congress to try to straighten things out.

5. He called off an All-Star game because one team ran out of pitchers!  Another 4 hours I’ll never get back!

Rant over!

Anyhow, Angels/Yankees series looks ugly but we will see.  Just glad that the Phillies made it!

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Dither or Blather?

It took President George W. Bush a number of years to put us in the difficult global position we now face. And, of course, everyone wants to conveniently blame this entire mess on President Obama by asserting that by now the president should have all of his global chess pieces in place.

By this logic, people seem to think that the president, in less than one year in office, should fully understand all of the nuances of each world leader he deals with, and in turn, they should acquiesce to any pressure he should want to exert.

This ignorance and arrogance is what has stymied recent American foreign policy goals; the rest of the world has come to resent such strident hubris.  Give him time.

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I'm sure that most of you have watched episodes of the TV show 'Everybody Loves Raymond'.  The episode I'm referring to is the one where Frank is repairing Ray and Debra's stairs and he falls through.  Well, yesterday my little dog Bonnie was napping on the back of the couch, which is in front of a huge picture window... It's her TV.   My neighbor walks by with his Jack Russell terrier.  His dogs walks right to the window and Bonnie spots him.  She begins barking her head off and racing back and forth across the top of the couch.  I stand up and as I start walking over to her, Bingo!  She disappears between the couch and the window!  My neighbor and I are both howling with laughter when somehow Bonnie manages to climb her way back up the back of the couch, still barking.  I went outside and my neighbor and I are both laughing with tears rolling our cheeks.  All I saw was Bonnie disappear while he got the better view.  He said the look on her face was priceless!  By the way, Bonnie is just fine but she hasn't been on the couch since.  And yes, I'm easily entertained.

Hope you're having a terrific hump day!!

Kenny Chesney today - Great song and video!!

First of all, thank you to all of you who commented today.  As I said, I was just frustrated about old friends leaving for Facebook without giving me a forwarding address.  Well, Spaces is my home and I know where my friends are….. HERE!!

OK, enough of that!

Here is the second of my Nobel Peace Prize posts.  I spent days composing them and dammit, I’m posting them!  LOL!!  Be sure to to check out the end!!  LOL!

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Earning the Nobel Peace Prize  

Part 2 of 5

The No. 1 priority: Stop Iran

The president received the Nobel Peace Prize for his stated commitment to nuclear disarmament, and the most urgent place to begin is preventing an Iranian bomb.
That means keeping Iranian-American negotiations on a tight timetable and then, if negotiations falter, moving rapidly to significant economic sanctions. And if those fail, the president should sanction force -- on the part of others if America can't or won't assume that responsibility itself.

 
The president's hopes for solving the Arab-Israeli conflict depend in large part on stopping the Ahmadinejad bomb. If that effort fails, the Arab world's jihadists will be empowered. No Palestinian leader, and for that matter no Arab leader, would likely defy the new regional power and dare normalize relations with Israel. As for the Israeli public, its willingness to concede territory has always depended on its confidence in the country's ability to defend itself. A nuclear Iran would drastically reinforce Israelis' existential fears.
A nuclear Iran, moreover, would trigger a Middle East nuclear arms race, destroying President Obama's vision for disarmament.

 
Obama must prioritize his peace agenda. He must avoid the temptation of trying to immediately solve the Palestinian problem, which is, tragically, far from a solution. By all means, he must continue to press for mutual gestures of goodwill from Israel and the Arab world. But a realistic peacemaker needs to show far more urgency in stopping the imminent nuclearization of Iran.

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I so wish I had my camera today, but it’s in Italy.  Let me describe…

Two young guys, loaded with tattoos, shirtless with shaved heads.  They each are walking a Pit Bull.  Of course, my little dogs go crazy!!

The thing is, the dogs have collars but not leashes!!  So these two morons are walking their dogs, bent over, holding them by the scruff of the neck!!  The dorks!!  I guess they couldn’t afford $4.00 each for leashes!!  Where is my camera when I need it??  Oh yeah….. Italy!!

Oh well, maybe they will be back!

A good starting point!

Now I want to watch the movie again!!

Chris Erskine

October 17, 2009

In my new book "Cujo and Me," I talk about how much we love our 300-pound beagle, even after he nearly gnawed off my left leg, thinking it was his own. Pets are so important to a home.
Yep, Cujo is a chewer all right. The other morning, he coughed up a train set that had been missing for five years. So, no, he's not perfect. Who among us is?
In "Cujo and Me," I explain how we inherited the dog from the lovely and patient older daughter, who moved home recently, bringing Cujo and about $3,000 in hair care products, 40 bushels of scarves. If there's one thing young women like, it's hair and scarves. I guess that's two things.
Anyway, she brings home the beagle, Cujo, whom I never really cared for, as I don't like other males in the house unless I'm legally bound. Cujo, turns out, eats four meals a day and goes out about 60 times. It's how he keeps his weight down, probably.
Like most dogs, the 300-pound beagle is very careful about his diet. For breakfast, he prefers a nice bowl of botulism. For lunch, he'll sneak one or two of my shoes. At dinner, he rewards himself a little. Yesterday, he ate my wife's new vacuum. There's also a portion of the baseboard near the front door that he uses as a salt lick. After about 15 minutes of that, he orders out Chinese.
So, yeah, Cujo has a little belly. Who doesn't? The lovely and patient older daughter says it's the product of bad genes, but I've lived too long to fall for that old excuse. His generous girth is the product of a savage appetite and the kind of hedonism you don't see much in America anymore. Lucky us.
In appearance, Cujo increasingly resembles a very hairy beer keg. On our constant walks, he stops only to eat chicken bones that have spilled from the neighbors' garbage. And Halloween decorations.
"Crunch."
"Don't eat that!"
"Crunch-crunch-crunch-crunch-crunch. . . . "
As he ages, he looks a little like Orson Welles, mostly around the chin and eyes. It is the look of what might have been.
Yet he is strong, the strongest beast ever to pull me helplessly around a cul-de-sac. On walks, he lunges forward ferociously on all four legs, as if headed for Fairbanks. In a perfect world, he'd be hauling coal cars in Latvia.
"Easy. Easy! EASYYYYYYY!!!!!" I calmly urge.
God forbid Cujo spots another dog, or a person, or a tree waving in the wind that he thinks might be French fries. (Did I mention he's half-blind?) In those cases, he goes completely ape. He will pull on the leash until he cuts off his own windpipe and begins to cough and spasm.
When he finally passes out, I carry him home in 30-second bursts, as if cradling an oak stump. Usually, he stirs awake about halfway back. He thanks me by nibbling at my ear and trying to suck out my brains.
Meanwhile, we have this other pet -- I think he's a cat, though he might be a raccoon, or some derivation of the Norway rat.
What a rascal.
Pets give a house a very homey feel, so I am very glad to have this cat-rat-coon, who bounces from couch to chair to my ever-growing lap, usually with the 300-pound beagle in hot pursuit, knocking over vases and lamps. Sooooo cute.
"We're very blessed," I tell my wife.
"Really?"

"To have so many animals," I say.
"Um, that's your youngest son," she says.
Oh. I guess that explains the jeans and the baseball cap. The little dude sure can fetch.
Misunderstandings like this often crop up in a family, and I think you just need to roll with them. Turns out the cat-rat-coon was really our first-grader. From what I understand, they're all God's creatures, even the teenagers.
I blame my fading eyesight for the pets vs. kids confusion. After 120 years of marriage, my eyes are going and my wife's hearing too, which is probably fortunate for both of us. A little disconnect can be good for a marriage. It's almost sexy.
For example, the other night, after a romantic evening on the couch watching Florida crush LSU, my wife handed me a children's goody bag and led me gently to the front door.
"Thanks for coming to the party," she said.
"Thanks for inviting me," I said, sneaking a peek into my goody bag (plastic Slinky, cheap yo-yo, SweeTarts).
First I got the prize, then I got the goody bag.
Honestly, I don't know why every man doesn't marry.

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Calendar says fall, but the temperatures rise

Gavin Raath, 28, of Flint, Mich., does a handstand on a balance beam at Venice Beach. Friday's high temperatures perplexed many Southern Californians because they followed a Pacific storm that soaked the region.

Meanwhile, in the local mountains…

The stores may be stocked with Halloween costumes and the ski runs may be open at Mammoth Mountain, but the weather was anything but fall-like Friday as temperatures soared throughout Southern California.
From the bleachers of Dodger Stadium to the shores of Oxnard, the mercury reached the high 90s and even the low triple digits in some places as a heat wave enveloped the region. And today could be a repeat as forecasters said temperatures wouldn't begin to dip until Sunday.
The spike in temperatures -- it reached 98 degrees in downtown Los Angeles -- perplexed many Southern Californians because it followed quickly on the heels of a Pacific storm that soaked the region and allowed Mammoth Mountain to open on one of its earliest days ever.
The onslaught of heat was caused by a ridge of high pressure over Nevada and Utah that pushed warm, dry air across Southern California, according to Joe Sirard, a National Weather Service meteorologist. The conditions brought record temperatures to some areas.
It reached 100 degrees in Oxnard; the previous record of 98 was set in 1997. Nearby Camarillo also saw a record reading of 100.
While Phillies fans huddled in 40-degree temperatures back home, Dodgers fans sipped ice drinks, donned sunscreen and viewed the team's 2-1 victory through their shades. Despite the heat, downtown L.A. still fell six degrees short of its 1958 record for the date.
A couple of hundred miles north at Mammoth Mountain, more than a dozen runs were packed with early-season snow enthusiasts. Sun umbrellas protected skiers and boarders as they munched burgers between runs.
"It was an absolutely gorgeous day," said Dan Hansen of Mammoth Mountain. "It was one of the earliest openings ever. We got the top of the mountain open."
Hansen said parking lots began to fill before dawn as 4,500 people descended on the slopes. He said there would be even more snow as temperatures dipped in coming days.
The high pressure will continue to produce high temperatures across the coast and the San Fernando Valley today. Downtown L.A. is expected to chalk up another day in the 90s, as will Pasadena and other parts of the San Gabriel Valley. Forecasters say it will be cooler Sunday through Tuesday.

The weather here has been crazy!  Especially having to change clothes three times a day.  I wish Mother Nature would make up her mind.  I met her once and she can be mean!  I tried to talk to Charlotte today about watering every day, even when it’s raining, and she just walked indoors and LOCKED her door!!!  What’s with that?  I’ll have to talk with her Redneck son.  Speaking of Rednecks, Redneck number two’s brother just got out of prison so now I have three!!

Hope you’re having a nice weekend.

I watched the Phillies take care of the Dodgers last night and I was thrilled.  Two big innings (7 walks, 3 wild pitches and 2 three-run homeruns) did them in.

But I have to say, Dodger fans are the least knowledgeable of any fans in baseball.  They boo whenever an opposing pitcher throws to first base to keep a runner close (It’s a baseball play for god’s sake!!) and they boo the opposing pitcher when he is removed from the game, no matter how well he pitched.  Dodger fans? A little less beer and beach balls on the field and a little more respect.  And while you’re at it, learn the rules!!!!

Phillies have the the roughest fans in baseball, even to their own players, but at least they know baseball.  Plus, they don’t show up in the 3rd inning and leave in the 7th.

Rant over

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My wife is spending the next 2 weeks (and probably lots of money) in Italy.  Party at my house this weekend!!!!  She brought the camera so I’m sure I’ll have lots of photos to post when she gets back.

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Rat/Mouse Update!

I finally zapped one after three days but then I remembered the one step I forgot to do.  The trick is to bait the Rat Zapper but NOT turn it on for 3 days.  Let them get used to coming, eating and going.  And then, Surprise!!!  Hoping for better results this weekend.

Speaking of weekends, I hope you all have Good ones!!

Chris Erskine

October 15, 2009

The League Championships begin today!!  Woooo Hoooo!

Diary of a mad sports fan:

Dear Diary,
While buying beer at Angel Stadium last week, I was actually carded, another miracle in a baseball season that seems ripe with them. I'm 52, going on 102, and there is nothing young about me except maybe my bridgework. Oh, and my love of a festive ballpark.
That night, Angel Stadium looked like Oz as we exited the 57, lighted as if by Spielberg. Me and the kid (my human rally monkey) were the last ones to arrive -- three stop-and-go hours from Pasadena; we should have walked. But they saved us a couple of seats down the third-base line.
We were surrounded by Red Sox fans -- Munchkins with chips on their shoulders and Budweiser on their breath. I expected a tad of unpleasantness, then the kid admitted he was actually, really a Red Sox fan himself, something he hadn't disclosed in the car.
"Go, Big Papi!" the 6-year-old screamed.
Of course, the sons of anarchy sitting nearby immediately adopted him as one of their own, handing him Red Sox wristbands and hearty slaps on his little back. He smiled. They smiled back. It was love.
Before I know it, he's got his paws on a couple of Thunderstix, which I hate more than Donna Summer, whom I hate more than frozen pizza or mail-in rebates.
In the old days, if you didn't like the people around you, you just spilled beer everywhere and acted generally obnoxious. Now, to completely alienate someone, all you do is sit back and bang together these plastic, inflated Thunderstix. They look so much like hot dogs, I tried to eat one. Not bad. In fact, better than what Wienerschnitzel serves.
Thwack, thwack, thwack. Thwack, thwack, thwack.
God, what's happened to our ballparks? The multiple video screens, the screechy Van Halen, the billboards pleading MAKE SOME NOISE. I love every lousy minute of it, despite myself. Well done, owners. For a modern ballpark is electric, in all ways -- though it is becoming the absolute worst place to actually watch a game.
Next thing, they'll be wiring all the seats to give each fan a little jolt with every home run. I predict the masses will love that. They're bug-eyed as it is, these fans, their tongues slapping out of their faces like Marmaduke. The electric jolts will let them spasm in new and exciting ways. It may change the course of human breeding, of evolution itself.
Like you, I welcome that day.

Dear Diary,
In the men's room, 20 urinals, 60 men, you do the math. Guys are lined up three and four deep when some pipsqueak in the middle -- not me, some other pipsqueak -- begins to lead a cheer, something along the lines of "Red Sox [stink]! Red Sox [stink]!"
Aside from the fact that this is true, I'm not sure it's something that needs to be shouted in a crowded men's room in the seventh inning of another crushing Red Sox defeat. In fact, other than "FLOOD!" or "VICE SQUAD!" there is almost nothing you can yell in a crowded men's room that's going to benefit the greater good.
"Actually, I think the Phillies will win the World Series," one guy says during a lull in the shouting, and everybody laughs.
Yep, everyone is laughing these days. The Angels and Dodgers have both made it to the semifinals by crushing opponents who used to give them fits. It has been almost too easy, hasn't it? Feels like a setup. Still, there is an aura about both these teams, the sense that more miracles are in store.
Hey, if I can still get carded in a beer line, almost anything can happen.

Dear Diary,
This is also the year of the Self-Effacing Genius -- Joe Torre in our case, Brett Favre in the case of that Eskimo football team in the far North.
The Self-Effacing Genius (I guess Gustavo Dudamel qualifies too) is that rare, gifted bird we see only once a generation. There is a core confidence, of course, yet the only person who doesn't go overboard about the genius' greatness is the genius himself.
Self-Effacing Geniuses are candid, classy and human, even as they triumph in ways we mortals only dream about. In a world brimming with canned quotes and paranoid egomaniacs (Bill Belichick, Rick Pitino, Terrell Owens), the Self-Effacing Genius gives us faith that good guys can finish first and on their own terms.
Indeed, they are a very small and select club. Tom Watson is a Self-Effacing Genius. Derek Jeter is too. Vin Scully is the dean of the club, having invented the concept of the humble genius back in the 1590s, or whenever it was he was born.
And in the case of Torre and Favre, they are performing this year for every poor sap whose boss gave up on him too quickly, who was shown the door for no good reason at all.
Oh, what a couple of weeks this is turning out to be, filled with triumph, justice, humanity.
Lord, I feel 15. Go ahead, card me.

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AND FINALLY . . .

Promise of free clothes turns ugly

A woman in a rented limousine told everyone at a Burlington Coat Factory store that she'd won the lottery and would pay for everyone's purchases, police said in Columbus, Ohio. Customers called their friends, who flocked to the store, but a riot ensued when it turned out to be a hoax.
Police Sgt. Lt. Michael Deakins said angry customers threw merchandise around and looted.
"Everybody was like, 'I still want my free stuff,' and that started the riot," Deakins said. "It looks like Katrina went through the store."
Linda Brown -- who hadn't won the lottery -- had driven away by then. But when the limo driver didn't get paid either, he turned her in to police.

Yep!!  People are CRAZY!!!

Go Phillies!!